Shrinkage

I’ve received more than a few emails and now some comments as to my physical appearance so I figure I’d better fess up. I am indeed shrinking and thank you for noticing. I’ve never been one to obsess about my weight but in the new year I decided to jump on a scale and was shocked to see the numbers go all the way up to 280lbs (127kg for you metric folks and 20 stone for my ancestral home dwellers). Having two kids and lots of fun are things I like so I decided to eat less crap and snack less. The net result so far is that I have shrunken down to just under 240 pounds and holding (for those that wish to applaud, my wife is past the 50 pounds lost mark herself and, despite rolling her eyes at me every time I mention it, is looking awesome). For those of you that are weight loss and diet junkies you know that the party only goes on for so long before you stop shrinking and your body adapts. That time is now for me so my wife and I decided that it was time to mix things up a little. Apparently the next step involves increasing physical activity. After a heated discussion it was determined that increasing physical activity involves more effort than not putting batteries in the tv remotes. Since having two children and a dog keeps you too busy for a gym membership, but ironically enough not busy enough to burn those extra pounds, we decided that it was time to take action to further our shrinking. Since I haven’t been able to find any gypsies to hit with my car it was decided that some equipment would be required.

After trolling the advertisements and web sites of many a retailer it was determined that we would buy an elliptical machine. For those of you unfamiliar with an elliptical it is the love child of a treadmill a bike and those late night TV ski training things. You stand on it and make your arms go back and forth while your feet go round and round. Luckily it’s all gears and levers which force you to move in this manner because I’ve never been any good at the rub your belly and pat your head at the same time thing. Little did I realize that my adventure in fitness would begin the way it did though.

We found the perfect unit at a popular Canadian retailer who shall remain nameless. Let’s just say that despite their catchy name they sell a lot more than round rubber automotive attachments. Having discovered the unit on the web I knew that going to the store and asking for one could be futile so I used their handy online stock status gadget and learned an interesting thing. Apparently nobody in our city buys fitness equipment. The unit I was after was a special order in all local stores, but in the neighboring cities it was a stock item. So I set about stripping the van of all it’s child seating equipment and jumped on the road to purchase the life altering gear. Upon my arrival I eagerly headed to the fitness section of the store where I found only one clerk. If that wasn’t bad enough he was busy with a busload of folks who all decided to buy a bicycle at the exact same time. After waiting 15 minutes I decided to wander the store and seek out another clerk, of which there were none. At this point the small assortment or free weights I was intending to purchase at the same time was beginning to get heavy because I wasn’t smart enough to get a cart.

So by the time I realized I had been in the store for a half an hour with no assistance I decided to head for the customer service counter to seek some of that elusive service. After waiting in line for a little more time I finally got to the counter where my inner goofball couldn’t resist some fun. When the lady at the counter asked if she could help me I promptly sat the basket with the weights in it on the counter and told her that I wanted to return them because I had them for three weeks and hadn’t lost any weight at all yet. While she searched her brain for an answer I relieved her by explaining that I had been standing around for an hour and needed a piece of equipment from the warehouse. So they managed to get it out and loaded into the van for me. When I managed to finally get home with my hard earned purchase I met one more hurdle. My wife despite her best efforts was unable to lift the box with me. So being the stubborn soul that I am I wrestled the box up the front steps, across the hallway and into the basement. After hauling the box downstairs and peeling it open I set about putting the beast together where it now sits mockingly every time I watch television. I always knew that fitness equipment made getting some exercise a little easier, but I never figured on a good cardio workout from shopping. Isn’t the workout supposed to begin once it’s assembled?!?

Oh well, at least I can get something out of my television time beyond the sheer amazement that the crap that’s on cost as much to make as it did. As well as the astonishment that advertisers spend as much as they do to be associated with them. I shall occasionally keep you apprised of my shrinking until there is nothing left of me. Maybe I'll make a flipbook of me at various sizes so you can wathc me melt like a snowman.