Company For Christmas

Twas the week after Christmas, when all through the house
The gifts were all given, we're poor as a mouse

The stockings were emptied, the candies all eaten
Our teeth were all rotting, our guts full of sweet'nin'

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
The days were so hectic I'm sure they were dead;

And mamma in her 'jammies, and I in the bag,
Had just settled down up the stairs we did drag,

When down in the kitchen there arose such a clatter,
I fell out of bed barely containing my bladder

Down the tall staircase I fell with much blunder
I'm sure all the neighbors thought "that must be thunder"

The still plugged in tree gave a colourful gleam
A shame it couldn't mask out my loud scream,

When, what did my poor bleary eyes soon unveil,
But a tiny new house guest, equipped with a tail,

With twitchy wee whiskers and beady black eyes,
I knew I knew this small scavenger soon had to die.

More rapid than cash spent at Christmas he went,
And he squealed and he skittered right down the floor vent;

"You demon, you vermin, your foul little critter!"
I shouted as down the heat pipe he did skitter.

Following him through the sounds in the wall
I drunkenly stumbled, down the stairs I did fall.

As Santa's departure he left in a flash
The wall I did pound, pictures fell with a crash

So up to My bed did crawl in a stupor
If only I rented, I could just call the super.

I laid in the dark while attempting to sleep
The sounds from the walls as the critter did creep.

I plotted revenge for first thing in the morning
I'd scurry off out and lay traps without warning

In my warm Christmas clothing I drove to the shops
As people fought for the bargains, oh where were the cops

A case of new mousetraps held tight in my grasp
I got to the tills and let out a great gasp

The registers rang with a deafening sound
As I got into line my jaw hit the ground

With musak assaulting my ears like a volley
I knew that my vengeance would soon be my folly

I waited and waited and gnashed my poor teeth,
I nearly throttled some jerk with a wreath;

I finally got to the till overjoyed,
then collapsed in my car bumper car ride.

I stopped for a coffee my nerves were a jangle,
Then defeated, I pulled back out in the tangle;

By the time I got home I felt like I was dead,
I took some small pills to quiet my head;

I tore through the kitchen, getting straight to my work,
I banged my poor head when I gave a sharp jerk;

The furry wee demon winked coolly and then,
with a twitch of his tail he soon vanished again;

I set all the traps, nearly breaking my finger,
Then we sat down to enjoy our cold dinner.

As I gathered the plates I heard a loud snap,
"Happy Christmas to all, and no more mouse crap!"


With deepest sympathies to Clement Clarke Moore