Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Dismemberment disdain

With the current wave of summer heat we are suffering through every climate alert that goes with the weather. Smog alerts, humidex alerts, air quality advisories, heat alerts and the like have forced the young and old alike inside for survival. Any trip outside that requires a vehicle will be okay only with air conditioning and without a vehicle you'll get about 2 minutes away on foot before either melting into a puddle or bursting into flames. My brain has subsequently melted and as a result I am going to response to attempts by the public at large to maim me. My limbs remain securely attached so HA! Nevertheless I shall run with them anyway.

Kim over at in need of a life had a crack at maiming me as well. She has demanded to know 6 weird things about me so I shall oblige.

    -I have a crippling Lego addiction. Dreams of housing and furnishings constructed entirely of Lego stalk me while I sleep. Once they released the Star Wars themed Lego I had to give in to my addiction. I can't afford a therapist so this is a much more entertaining way of nursing my addiction without having to go see anyone.
    -I think I was raised by a traveling band of clowns. While this explains the nose it has little do with my wardrobe choices. I actually shun clown clothes for the same reason I fear stretchy pants. If I had clothes that baggy I'd have the urge to fill them. If it wasn't with frisky kittens it would be with my own flabby body and nobody wants to see that (especially the SPCA. I'm getting incredibly sick of all their letters).

    -I sit with my legs curled underneath me like a cat. This doesn't do my wrecked knee any favours but I can't seem to stop it. It's a compulsion, like the nagging desire to punish telemarketers, even though they are only phoning me so they can make a few bucks to feed their kids.

    -I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up as I have chosen not to grow up. This could make life a little more interesting as my kids grow up, but for now we have a lot in common so we all have fun.

    -I am unable to walk away from a book that I have begun to read no matter how gut wrenchingly bad it is. Same thing with a movie as well. No matter how terrible I always think that there's a remote change that it will improve somehow and I'll be rewarded for slugging on through. I am rarely rewarded for such behaviour, but I still keep at it. That being said I have a massive scope of what I will read or watch. You'd think that with my problem I'd be more selective but not at all. I think we are shaped by the ideas that we read and see no matter how badly they presented, so I absorb what I can in my limited time. This Blog's contents are starting to make a littel more sense right about now aren't they??

    - I am my own harshest critic. While I appreciate that people think I'm talented and funny, I just do what I do for my own silly reasons. The fact that people seem to enjoy it has got to be a constant source of annoyance for my wife who likely spends most of her waking moments thinking "Oh god if people don't stop encouraging him I'll have to start drinking". It does make for some fun time though. My slogan in life seems to have been "If you can't laugh at yourself, someone else will find the time". So long as you don't hurt you own feelings I think you should always try to bring yourself down a peg or two. Egos are what are ruining the world at large. If we all learn how to be wrong and learn from our mistakes, instead of trying to justify all of our stupid decisions, the world will definitely begin to swing around for the better.


The Almighty Heidi, having been drugged and taken control of by aliens has tagged me with her/their desire to learn 10 things about me that you really didn't want to know anyways.

    Ahh the warm cozy feel of security-I am a photo junkie. I was raised by a man with his own photo addiction so I figure it was just bad genetics and not weak will that drew me in. Having been bitten by the bug a few years ago with the purchase of a digital camera I now carry my camera almost everywhere I go, like a security blanket. I'm like the love child of Ansel Adams and Linus

    -I was a band geek in high school and I'm still hooked. Being that I was just looking for an easy way to snag my art credits it was an interesting turn of events. I learned about music in a way that I never was looking for as well as managed to fan the flames of creativity. Our squadron of musical morons crafted musical plays for our spring concerts that ran like some freakish hybrid of Benny Hill, Monty Python, Royal Canadian Air Farce and a television variety show of old. I even ran around in drag. I'm still amazed that after our handful of years though that they still allow students to participate in the program.

    My precious!!-I have the memory of a late stage Alzheimer’s patient. I've since learned to carry a gadget to help me overcome this crippling affliction. It can't help me with the big part of this that I would have liked it to. I am absolutely miserable with names and faces. I can likely remember one or the other but rarely both together. For that to happen I need to have seen you on a fairly regular basis.

    -It is my sincere belief that God's gift to food was garlic. Women have their chocolate and other such things but my favourite joy is garlic. Steaks are a close second, but even the almighty steak is improved with some garlic. Hell I'm pretty sure desserts could be improved with garlic but the wife won't let me near her baking to test my theory.

    -I am a card carrying member of a secret society, but I can't tell you much more about it.......it's a secret. Of course once you get my card you know of the society so that doesn't really work out either but nobody ever called me competent now did they? I guess you could say that we're like the illuminati for morons.

    -I sometimes get wigged out in the dark. Not always and not necessarily in the pitch black, but periodically I get the distinct feeling that I'm not alone. I've since attributed this to the other voices in my head trying to contact me at an edgy moment, sort of like when someone you didn't realize was behind you taps you on the shoulder and you jump.

    -I like little kids. Not in a creepy, call the police way mind you. I think part of my brain never grew up so it allows me to relate with them better than most adults. People think it's strange that kids take to me. Give me a little baby or toddler that doesn't like anyone and I can usually have them playing and laughing with the rest of them in no time. I'm sort of like the Pied Piper for the under 6 set. I have a theory that I emit some kind of hormone or aroma that smells like fun or candy or something.

    -I still to play on the swing set. I have to go to one of the industrial sized park swing sets and the poor one in my backyard doesn't stand a change against the bulk of my ass. I could just sit and swing all day (that sounds bad out of context though so I have to be careful who I tell that to).

    -My feet have the uncanny ability to smell like an open landfill some days. With the looming summertime I have since begun to think that getting my feet mounted on removable ankles may be the way to go. This is a good idea not only in being able to remove the offending feet and reducing the fallout in the home, but it then makes me armed with dangerous bio-weapons. If Dubya ever finds out about them I may get my ass bombed for possessing such weaponry.

    I hear it's siren's sing already.......I long for it's stringy embrace-I am hopelessly addicted to hammocks. I would live and work in a hammock if I could find a way to make it happen. I'd probably end up in a Jimmy Buffet song but that's a risk I'm willing to take. There's little more relaxing that just hanging under the stars on a summer night and listening to the world go by.


And for my finale, if anyone is still reading at this point (yeah right) is this one that I can't remember for the life of me whop threw it at me so if you want to take credit just throw it in the comments.
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4
    I don’t believe writers can be made, either by circumstances or by selfwill
    (although I did believe those things once). The equipment
    comes with the original package.


2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what do you find?
    Sodium Thiocyanate


3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
    The news


4. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
    The Corb Lund Band singing "Hair in my eyes like a highland steer" on the radio


5. When did you last step outside?
    About 5 minutes ago and I think I'm still sweaty - the heat is oppressive at its best today.


6. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
    The clock (It was 10:23 if anyone cares)


7. What are you wearing?
    Clothing - I've been told I can't work naked anymore. It's affecting the appetites and productivity of my co-workers


8. Did you dream last night?
    I can't remember I was too tired. Probably though, it's weird stuff.


9. When did you last laugh?
    Just a few minutes ago. A co-worker was being outwitted by his computer.


10. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
    Paint


11. Seen anything weird lately?
    My reflection is pretty weird.


12. What do you think of this quiz?
    It's long and a fine substitute for a real post on a day hot enough to melt my brain.


13. What is the last film you saw?
    Slap Shot


14. If you turned a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
    Lots of stuff


15. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
    I have 2 Darth Taters


16. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would you do?
    I'd make it cooler since all the hoopla is over global warming.



17. Do you like to dance?
    I like to, but those around me don't like me to.


18. George Bush.
    Which one?


19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
    Esme


20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what would you call him?
    Willard


21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
    Sex change has never appealed to me.


22. What would you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
    How in the hell did you get up here?!


23. 4 people who must also do this meme.
    4 people who need something to write or they'll go nuts.

12 Comments:

Blogger deni said...

Whenever I need a good laugh all I have to do is pop over here.

Loved the removable ankles idea!! I'll have to get some for hubby. :)

8:51:00 AM  
Blogger No_Newz said...

All great answers! It is so cool getting to "know" you. I'd never have pegged you for some of your answers. And I think the Mrs. should get a blog so we can praise her too. I can imagine what she might say about that little clown nose of yours. LOL! Are you reading On Writing? That is a great book.
Lois Lane
P.S. Good choice on the sex change. ;)

10:59:00 AM  
Blogger Rowan said...

oooooohhhh!

secret society eh?

11:09:00 AM  
Blogger Hick said...

This is funny.

Hot weather, huh? I was at Lake Tahoe this past weekend and it snowed 2 inches. Go figure. It's still too cold to go swimming here...gets up to the high 60's - low 70's during the day.

My youngest (13) loves to read about your lego addiction. He loves Legos.

11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Martini said...

If I grabbed the nearest book and read line 4 on page 18, here's what it might say after I decipher what "line 4" means for a page of columns and tables:

Endroits les plus demandés


Scary huh?

5:57:00 PM  
Blogger sisiggy said...

Okay. Now I'm officially scared. As soon as I read #21, I thought, "He won't want a sex-change operation..."

I've scheduled the lobotomy.

6:18:00 PM  
Anonymous Happy and Blue 2 said...

These are all fine answers. I'm sure some psychiatrist somewhere is writing a book about your life, tee,hee..

7:01:00 PM  
Blogger redheaded said...

pete! not to change the subject but you are the only blogpost i go to that i can leave a message on because you DON"T have word verification! woohoo! good for you! you're awesome!

and informative!

12:38:00 AM  
Blogger Useless Man said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:30:00 PM  
Blogger JODSTER said...

I shouldn't tell you about this, and assuming you didn't already know, but I love to feed your addicitons to see what happens before I try them out on my own.

Having said all THAT, there is a Lego CAD program at www.ldraw.org. Have fun building a desk or other furniture...

And if I've told you once, I've told you ten times, A LIBRARY CARD does not constitute a membership to a SECRET SOCIETY even if it DOES unlock all the information in the world! Useless, I say...

12:31:00 PM  
Blogger Violet said...

I have a fairly crap memory too, except my long term memory is almost as bad as my short term one. I think that's why I blog and write - so I won't forget what I did.

8:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11:36:00 AM  

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