Party Weekend!!!

This weekend is kickoff to the North American party weekends. In the US there will be Memorial Day weekend and here in Canada we have Victoria Day weekend - affectionately know as 2-4 weekend supposedly because it revolves around May the 24th (Queen Victoria's birthday)but really it is in honour of all the brave 2-4 cases of beer that gave their lives to ensure the joy of Canada's citizens. Now I don't know about your area but here we have been experiencing a lot of rain and this is grating on the locals. Many of us like to go camping on this chilly weekend and the rain only serves to make it chillier. This gets many people grumpy, but I tend to think of this as an advantage. The rain's departure will bring the inevitable rainbows. The rainbows lead to fabled treasure which in Canada results in a picture like this one!!

Whether you are packing up all your camping gear and spending half of your weekend on the road in an effort to escape the trappings of city life or are headed to your local party town, you'll find traffic is your common foe. Here are some of my helpful driving tips to help you get through it.

1 - In a traffic jam it is important to remember that honking your horn will not magically cause the highway blockage to clear as the blockage is usually caused by a bevy of motorists stopping to ogle a stopped car. Typically a stopped car is there to allow a child to urinate on the side of the road as their tiny bladders can't handle the delays that come with traveling at the astonishing rate of 10 kilometers per hour to a destination over 400 kilometers away.

B - If you are caught in a bumper to bumper melee, wondering why this always happens to you will only serve to increase your headache's intensity. If you look out of your windows you'll see hundreds of other cars who are also wondering why this always happens to them. I'll give you a hint - when you all leave at 4:00 in the morning to beat the rush you have simply rescheduled the rush to earlier in the day!!!

III - For some traffic related stress relief I always recommend getting in the lane that has the wide shoulder beside it and ride halfway into the shoulder. This will serve to put a smile on your face as you watch the morons who try to slingshot past the traffic by blasting down this service lane.

As a final service announcement, when the inevitable traffic accident occurs because some moron was busy trying to change a DVD or rifle through his cooler for a sandwich while driving along and not noticing the transport truck has stopped in front of him, there are two things you need to do.

First you need to ignore the wreckage and keep your eyes forward. Not only will this serve to keep you from becoming the next target of the rubberneckers prying eyes but it will keep traffic moving faster as you will not have to jam on your brakes, causing a ripple that will extend for hundreds of kilometers behind you but it will also save the endless disappointment of not seeing the pools of blood or severed head you seem to think you can notice is you ogle long enough (if you need to witness tragedy just watch your bank account at the end of the month - that;s heartbreaking enough).

The second thing you need to do is to merge over as soon as you see the road cones and flashing lights in the lane ahead of you that indicate that your lane is closed. Racing to the very end of the lane will simply serve to aggravate your fellow motorists and further slow down traffic as you muscle your way into the lane after spending 3 minutes stopped ad wondering why nobody is letting you in, despite the fact that your lane had signs up to a kilometer ahead of the actual closure.

There is always another option for the non road-warrior types, which is the one I shall choose to exercise this go round, which is traveling to the beautiful destination of Puerta Backyarda. Sure it's not really all inclusive unless you've already bought all your groceries and liquor in advance but the commute's a dream. Plus you have full control over the menu (typically whatever fits on the barbecue) so there's no worries about having to consume food that you aren't right chuffed about. Also, if it starts to rain or the winds get to heavy you can always say bollocks to the great outdoors and head inside to a comfy bed and some television.

Have fun and drive safe and if you're drinking remember not to drink and drive, unless it's coffee. Then I recommend a double dose as the stationary red lights you'll be staring at for at least 2 hours can be pretty hypnotic.