Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Thermal Terrorism

Yesterday was a teaser for us in the area. We were given a sample of the warmer weather of summer that we pine for all winter long. Arriving at work in the morning it was only around 9 degrees, but by the afternoon drive home we were being thawed out by a balmy 23 degrees. While this is a portent for the summer months that approach us it also brings a sense of dread to us. A source of terror is looming. More horrible than socks with sandals. More tear inducing than pasty legs in shorts. Even more dreadful than a middle aged man in a Speedo! With the sun and fun of summer also comes smog and haze. The weather gets beautiful and the cities begin to issue air quality advisories recommending we stay inside and crank up the air conditioner to add more pollution to the problem. Although they do also suggest not running two stroke engines like lawnmowers which gives me an excuse to chill out in my hammock and ignore the safari grass that claims my yard.

Many cities are making an effort to cut down on the pollution in a n effort to improve the air quality and general quality of life in their areas, and while our city is no stranger to reducing emissions we got used to natural air streams thwarting our efforts. The grungy air from neighboring cities would waft across the lake and get caught up in the terrain which acts like a large funnel. We would simply grab our machetes and slice our way through the air, all the while grumbling about the heat we begged for not six months ago. Other cities have taken a more aggressive stand>

Across the lake we have a new menace in our efforts to enjoy our summer. The mighty city of Toronto, self proclaimed center of the universe, has decided that our poor city will benefit from the reception of their pollution and in effort to ensure we get it they have constructed a 30 storey fan to blow it across the lake. That will likely mean we can look forward to many more summer days that smother like a wet blanket. If our lungs weren't plugged up with crap we'd probably make an effort to perform some sort of retaliatory sabotage against their fan, but climbing 30 feet up in air that breathes like pudding would hamper our already wheezing strike force's efforts. Maybe if we rig up some sort of land based scuba setup like the firefighters carry we could be a more flexible squad. I think we should figure out how to cause a massive voltage spike to the motor. This would cause the fan's rotation speed to increase to a terrifying level, causing the city to lift off and fly to some other location. This would likely cause great cheers to rise up form the area. Maybe if we all bring a roll of carpet and slippers we can cause a massive jolt of static electricity. I'm off to do some research! Or maybe I'm just off......


Blogger No_Newz said...

It's a toss up for me. I don't think breathing is as important as not seeing a middle aged man in a Speedo. Then again, I'm might be a little off myself. :)
Lois Lane

11:09:00 AM  
Anonymous hellbunny said...

We're quite lucky here not to have a problem with pollution.

11:49:00 AM  
Blogger redheaded said...

that "fan" looks just like the windmills we have here for converting wind to electricity. each blade is longer than the bed of a semi-trailor!

9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Chana said...

i'm sorry to inform you but Calgary is the new self impossed center of the universe...i heard it somewhere in the morning news...something to do with the new prime minister....and since life is perfect here, we never-ever-ever have a problem with pollution....ever. I know because i heard a politician say this not too long ago-we are so lucky!


10:51:00 AM  
Blogger Martini said...

Do you remember the electric busses our city used to have? Hundreds of blazingly fast electric buses blasting off from stoplights! Wow.

Since their demise about 25 years ago, we have added to the pollution problem with our fleet of diesel buses.

12:15:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

ugh - smog and haze are not the best ways to keep your lungs happy. Good luck trying to move Toronto. Just don't send it west! If we now have to contend with Calgary's newly filled delusions - or sorry, I meant: dreams :D - then the addition of a Toronto might just push us all into the ocean...

10:02:00 PM  
Blogger mrhaney said...

if you figure out how to do it tell us when it will happen. i would like to witness it and be able to say i was there.

11:53:00 PM  
Blogger Rowan said...

hrmf! you've said a mouthful, though I thought yesterday was even better!

4:01:00 PM  
Blogger Perpetual Chocoholic said...

Yes, the air is a little thick in Hamilton. I could always smell when we arrived, whether I was looking out the window or not. You just need to get two of those large "fans" and blow the crap right back where it came from.....and then some.

10:30:00 PM  

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