Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Who wants to be a kidneyaire?

So called "reality" television has been on a steady drive to the lowest common denominator for a long time now. From it's humble beginnings of stalking a house full of people to giving away face lifts and driving people to weight loss goals there is no limit to the areas they will go to. While they tout the product as reality I tend to disagree as I have never seen reality like that before. Then again if they simply followed regular folks around with camcorders and posted the videos nobody would tune in. It's human nature, after all, to want to see the freak show. From the good old days of the traveling sideshow freaks our love for the bearded ladies and lizard people of the past has simply evolved. If North Americans too lazy to get out of our cars to get our fatty foods handed to us why should we travel to the carnival to see the weirdos any more? It's far easier to have it piped into our homes.

Trends will be exploited as the new "Pirate Master" show that is set to air and old ideas will be milked until they begin to lose money, as will be the case with "Survivor MCMXLIVV - Retirement Home Island". So all of this leads to no real surprise when the original creators of Big Brother Endemol unleashed their new show to a blitz of controversy. The Big Donor Show will feature a terminally ill 37 year old woman named Lisa giving a selected contestant one of her kidneys. While Endemol insists that the purpose is to showcase the stunning lack of organ donors in the Netherlands you have to assume that their ultimate purpose is still to make a profit as always. How many television companies are really concerned about making a difference, especially when their bread and butter is made on shows that pits folks against one another for money. In a throwback to the gladiator days they are confined in a space together and forced to compete against one another until only one remains. It it was good enough for the Romans it should be good enough for us right? We just do a little less killing and kick them out instead. These days not being one of the crowd is like being dead anyways if you want to be cool anyways.

Will this latest stunt accomplish anything other that a pile of media attention? I hope so but I can't say as I'm optimistic. At least we can all sit aroudn and wait to see what outrageous concept they come up with for the next show.

If Endemol needs some ideas they are welcome at my home as I've got a few they can jump in on.

    Keeping the balance
    Competitors will attempt to make a budget that manages to cover all expenses in our family. Facing additional unpredictable challenges like roofing my house and keeping two vehicles on the road contestants will be kept at their wits end as the kids grow up and add unrealistic demands to the ever growing list of things that money needs to be applied to. Winners will be able to eat the meal of their choice and purchase luxury items like a book, or Starbucks coffee.

    Survivor - My kids playroom
    Contestants will have to survive for a month in my kids playroom. Facing various challenges like eating competitions where they have to consume things found in the couch from abandoned snacks of yesteryear will be backed with physically challenging situations like crossing the room in the dark while trying not to scream profanities as Lego drives itself into your feet, as this would wake the kids. Winner will win a clean room for at least a week and a good sturdy pair of steel toed slippers for future trips across the room.

    Who wants to bathe a toddler?
    a two part challenge show where contestants will have to corner a toddler before bed time and successfully strip it and get it into a tub. Trying to keep it from screaming as it gets its hair washed will win bonus points. The second part would be a time challenge where competitors will have to try and corner and successfully pin a wet toddler as it runs aroudn the house avoiding clothes. The first competitor to successfully clothe, read to and tuck into bed their toddler wins the ultimate prize of a full night's sleep.

I think I'll be rich when the shows are all done filming. Or at least have some free time in which to lay in my hammock uninterrupted for at least two hours, which is like winning the lottery in itself.

Somehow I don't think they've gone as far as they want to yet. Somehow I have a picture of someone in the not too distant future flying a plane into the Endemol NV building with their entrails behind them a la The Running Man just to try and stop the madness.


Blogger Laura said...

Dear Mr. Rainy,

Thank you for your ideas for future reality TV shows. However, no one really wants reality with their reality TV. We do however, have a show you may be interested in. It's about a group of guys with a blog. Sort of real men and Red Green and we tossed in some Hamilton smog and crud from the Lake as well. Care to participate? :P


BigShotButtKiss from the Reality TV Network.

Don't let the Useless Men die. Add your useless protest somewhere or other.

11:56:00 AM  

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