Friday, July 22, 2005

Terrifying Toys

Who'd have thought that hell's own pet could eb so cute?
Is it just me or do the new toys scare the crap out you too? Instead of the good old days where the toys were powered by our hands and our brains, where we climbed trees and skinned out knees and could play outside without getting scooped up by predators, we now have protected our children by keeping them safe and giving them the glory of electronics to keep their inquisitive minds busy. From electronic toys that have to be loud enough to be causing hearing damage to plastic phones that tell your children that it loves them. There are even books that read themselves to the kids these days. This causes me great worry because I was hoping my little one would be well into schooling before she found out that her Daddy is illiterate and Snow White didn't ride in a pumpkin to get away from the Big Bad Wolf after eating a bear's porridge, But I digress......

As technology advances and the world moves on there are always waves of products and things to captivate the attention of the little ones and bend their minds. Where Barbies and GI Joes once ruled, the Tamagotci and the gaming consoles became king. These were all dangerous in their own ways but the first toy to really scare the crap out of people was the Furby. It could learn and react to our kid and this was generally too weird for us to tolerate so we crushed the wave of big eared beasts and relegated them to the dead fad pile. The danger had passed and all was right with the world (yeah right, but at least they were gone).

They lay quietly plotting their next move. They evolved and they are coming back! Yes, everybody's favourite engineered life form, forged from Gizmo the Mogwai some Ewoks and a muppet chicken, are more resilient than we first thought. Furbys have evolved and are preparing a new attack wave. It turns out that the toys we all saw in the beginning were simply the initial scouting wave of a larger invasion force. Since their first attack they have evolved into more advanced creatures. They have become physically larger and absorbed much of our technologies, in a Borg-like manner. They have used these new technologies in terrifying ways. Their language skills have evolved to include English, German, French, Spanish, Japanese and Italian. This puts them in a good position to take over almost every country on the planet by being able to communicate in our language (allowing them to say things like "resistance is futile" in a cute little voice). They still have their native "furbish" which will allow them to construct elaborate plans for the demise of mankind without our knowing what they are talking about.

This evolution has opened up some more terrifying abilities though. The Furbys have six times the mental capacity so they can retain more information than ever before about our weaknesses. Perhaps scariest of all is a new circuit that they have evolved which the toy company calls Emoto-Tronics. This horrifying circuit allows Furby to react to the user. It also allows it to display emotions and articulate it's eyes and beak better. It can also simulate breathing, with its belly moving in and out and even produce an audible gasp (At least we know it will scream when we kill it, or at least gasp for help). A toy analyst has said that it has the ability to think on it's own. Holy crap!!

As soon as these things employ their enlarged brains and learning power to feed themselves batteries we will become unnecessary. Hide your batteries folks, or you could find yourself with a murderous Furby at your throat in the middle of the night. Displaying it's newfound emotions of resent and hatred as it aims fro your jugular!

They have made themselves cute so that children will attach themselves to them and defend them with their lives. The children will scream and freak out and cry in order to get one and keep one in their possession at all times. Since most parents lack the ability or patience to say no, these things will spread faster a strange rash at an orgy.

Take heart my readers! Thanks to some quick thinking people in the beginning of this craze, there have been autopsies and tortures of Furby masses. They can be killed. I repeat, they can be killed. When you encounter one of these foul beasts just keep running. Where one is there will be many shortly after. They proliferated like Tribbles the first time around and now that they have had time to evolve, one can only imagine their new rate of reproduction. We are currently working on building a Furby strike force to be tasked with the mass hunting and destruction these invasive little fuzzballs. Once it is established we will approach governments and offer our services to train their troop sand security personnel in protective methods. Be sure to report sightings to appropriate agencies so we can take them out before they dig in. Vigilance is key people. Don't panic and we'll get through this crisis as we did the last.


Blogger blue2go said...

Very scary! Thanks for the warning.

3:19:00 PM  
Blogger ramblin' girl said...

when I saw that first pic, I thought it was Gizmo... apparently I blocked out the first Furby invasion completely.

3:30:00 PM  
Blogger Schotzy said...

Yes my house was invaded the first time round. And it did die a horrible death the first time it said 'boring'. Oh yes I am a Furby murderer. MUHAHAHAHAH

4:29:00 PM  
Blogger Martini Love said...

Furby's chase me in my sleep

4:54:00 PM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

Yes. I did stand in line to acquire one of the original terrors for my child. [bowing head in total self-disgust]
On the other hand,in light of your news brief here ... I say we tweek the little fellas and vote one in as our next president. How bad could that be?

6:01:00 PM  
Blogger glomgold said...

Aha! I knew it!! Head for the hills!
Actually I'd be ok with the takeover except those things are just too damn ugly. Why wouldn't they have initially designed every Furby to look like a mini Kate Beckinsale instead?

11:08:00 PM  
Blogger dan said...

I was always happy to play with a Rubik's Cube. I'd cheat though, by taking it apart and reassembling it to get all the colours back on the correct sides.

Anybody else remember those?

3:41:00 AM  
Blogger deni said...

Oh No, Furby!!!

My daughter had two of those buggers, they have been relegated to an unknown location somewhere in the attic, where they can stay.

This is too much like a Steven King novel for me. :)

8:28:00 AM  
Blogger Rae Ann said...

I really hate those 'boo bah' toys. They are nasty!

8:42:00 AM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

And I thought it was all a dream! I'm scared! :)

10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

noooooooooooooooooooooo....I avoided the first invasion and I will fight the second one too.

Here's to a fellow toy killer!

2:11:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...


i'm SO not listening - I tell you, some days ignorance really is bliss...

6:46:00 PM  
Blogger mrhaney said...

i just had one question for you. what color is the sky in your world rainy pete for pete's sake. have a good one my friend. good story. we could have used you on ship when things got dull. you can spin a tale.

12:44:00 AM  
Blogger L said...

I still think that "Tickle Me Elmo" is still the scariest...

11:16:00 PM  
Blogger JODSTER said...

I'll join your task force if i can use a flame thrower. I have things I'd like to throw flame on...

11:48:00 AM  
Blogger Cody said...

Basterd child amusers. There not even that cute...there actually truley odd looking....they look like chicken and a guinie pig had a child and sadly became addicted to the fallowing:


Heroin (for the half dazed looking ones)

Crack (if they were lucky enough)

Lord help us! Thank god my child isn't even two. All he wants is me to wipe his him (screaming "I'm gonna get you")and constant supply of Soy Milk.

12:39:00 PM  
Blogger katie said...

It is times like this that I rethink ever having children. Those toys freak me out.

11:08:00 AM  
Blogger Rowan said...

they are coming back? yipee! although, my daugther didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I did. Then, he died.

6:07:00 PM  

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