Renovation Guides

As I hinted at yesterday, I have been mired in redecorating chaos for the last little while, which explains the droll posts. Not to say that they'll get any better, but at least I can blame their lack of wit and entertainment on something other than my unbalanced mind. Soon enough I'll be done and have to go back to relying on my wit, dooming you all!!!

I decided that with the recent bathroom renovations and now my redecorating efforts, I am getting in on the the home renovation craze that has taken over "Learning" based television channels. As such I am going to publish a guide on home renovation to help those out that are masochistic enough to want to do it themselves. I offer you a preview today with Rainy Pete's Guide on How To Paint A Room

1 - Go to store and purchase supplies. This seems easy but will involve agonizing over which colours to use and how much paint, plaster and liquor to buy.

2 - Prepare walls for painting by plastering and sanding. This will involve several reapplications and will finish off one night after the liquor is getting depleted and you decide that the coat you are working on is going to be the last one.

3 - Clean up the plaster and make sure to wipe down the walls, floor and dog. Apply liquor to stomach lining to ease fatigue.

5 - Once plaster has dried, look around and wonder what in the hell you did and replaster so it looks good (This will be aided by the use of more liquor).

4 - Repeat step 3, muttering obscenities low enough that the children's developing vocabulary doesn't expand in a direction you were trying to avoid.

6 - Break out the paint, brushes and rollers and apply the primer. When the primer has been applied you will have to wash your 3 year old because she wanted to help, and has now primed everything lower than 3 feet, including the dog. Remember to hide the supplies in order to avoid the reapplication of paint to the dog.

7 - Go to the hardware store to repurchase brushes, roller and paint tray because after you cleaned up in step 6 you hid the painting paraphenalia without cleaning it and they all dried and hardened. Stop for more liquor while you're out as it will be running low at this point too.

8 - Apply the finish coat taking care to remember to wash out the painting paraphenalia and pour yourself a good stiff drink. Upon drying, you learn that the finish coat is no such thing and break out the recently cleaned paraphenalia only to learn that if you don't dry it all out after washing that you'll destroy any hope of a decent coat of paint, due to the water thinning out the paint you are trying to apply.

9 - Wash out the painting crap again and curse under your breath again (See step 4).

10 - Reclean the 3 year old because while you were cursing the watered down paint your three year old helped again before you cleaned up and put it all away.

11 - Reapply the paint with the dried out painting paraphenalia and upon drying reassemble the house to make it livable again.

**Warning this will take longer than anticipated as you will have to help the three year old put every single toy back exactly as it was. They may not remember to wash their hands, but they sure as hell know exactly where all 384 of their toys were situated in the living room.**

When the whole process is completed you will find that your spouse or yourself will look at the finished job and decide that the job is, in fact, not done because;

a) The wall isn't quite the colour they anticipated
b) The adjacent room now looks a little dingy and needs to be repainted
c) The dog is now the wrong colour

The good news is that when you go back to the hardware store to paint the adjacent room you won't have to worry about the lost paint sample you once had, just walk the dog there and compare it to the new paints you are considering. Upon deciding on the colours for the next room make use of the liquor and prepare for the repeat of the process.

That's right folks! It's just that easy!