Friday, February 24, 2006

Renovation Guides

As I hinted at yesterday, I have been mired in redecorating chaos for the last little while, which explains the droll posts. Not to say that they'll get any better, but at least I can blame their lack of wit and entertainment on something other than my unbalanced mind. Soon enough I'll be done and have to go back to relying on my wit, dooming you all!!!

I decided that with the recent bathroom renovations and now my redecorating efforts, I am getting in on the the home renovation craze that has taken over "Learning" based television channels. As such I am going to publish a guide on home renovation to help those out that are masochistic enough to want to do it themselves. I offer you a preview today with Rainy Pete's Guide on How To Paint A Room

1 - Go to store and purchase supplies. This seems easy but will involve agonizing over which colours to use and how much paint, plaster and liquor to buy.

2 - Prepare walls for painting by plastering and sanding. This will involve several reapplications and will finish off one night after the liquor is getting depleted and you decide that the coat you are working on is going to be the last one.

3 - Clean up the plaster and make sure to wipe down the walls, floor and dog. Apply liquor to stomach lining to ease fatigue.

5 - Once plaster has dried, look around and wonder what in the hell you did and replaster so it looks good (This will be aided by the use of more liquor).

4 - Repeat step 3, muttering obscenities low enough that the children's developing vocabulary doesn't expand in a direction you were trying to avoid.

6 - Break out the paint, brushes and rollers and apply the primer. When the primer has been applied you will have to wash your 3 year old because she wanted to help, and has now primed everything lower than 3 feet, including the dog. Remember to hide the supplies in order to avoid the reapplication of paint to the dog.

7 - Go to the hardware store to repurchase brushes, roller and paint tray because after you cleaned up in step 6 you hid the painting paraphenalia without cleaning it and they all dried and hardened. Stop for more liquor while you're out as it will be running low at this point too.

8 - Apply the finish coat taking care to remember to wash out the painting paraphenalia and pour yourself a good stiff drink. Upon drying, you learn that the finish coat is no such thing and break out the recently cleaned paraphenalia only to learn that if you don't dry it all out after washing that you'll destroy any hope of a decent coat of paint, due to the water thinning out the paint you are trying to apply.

9 - Wash out the painting crap again and curse under your breath again (See step 4).

10 - Reclean the 3 year old because while you were cursing the watered down paint your three year old helped again before you cleaned up and put it all away.

11 - Reapply the paint with the dried out painting paraphenalia and upon drying reassemble the house to make it livable again.
    **Warning this will take longer than anticipated as you will have to help the three year old put every single toy back exactly as it was. They may not remember to wash their hands, but they sure as hell know exactly where all 384 of their toys were situated in the living room.**

When the whole process is completed you will find that your spouse or yourself will look at the finished job and decide that the job is, in fact, not done because;
    a) The wall isn't quite the colour they anticipated
    b) The adjacent room now looks a little dingy and needs to be repainted
    c) The dog is now the wrong colour

The good news is that when you go back to the hardware store to paint the adjacent room you won't have to worry about the lost paint sample you once had, just walk the dog there and compare it to the new paints you are considering. Upon deciding on the colours for the next room make use of the liquor and prepare for the repeat of the process.

That's right folks! It's just that easy!


Blogger Elle said...

Oh, you forgot the part about the lawyers. We argue so much during the process that divorce is mentioned at least twice.

9:49:00 AM  
Blogger Rae Ann said...

I really hate that decorating magazines and tv shows talk about how painting is an 'easy' way to change a room. Ha! I hate painting.

10:05:00 AM  
Blogger Frank said...

I. Hate. Painting. I find it easier to just move every 2-3 years.

11:08:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

LOL!! Exactly why we're getting the basement finished before the Impending Birth and why it's being done by a contractor!

Likely the last time I get to guilt-free justify the expense of money on a reno, so I think I'll have to bookmark your list for future reference. :D

11:12:00 AM  
Blogger angela marie said...

Whiskey! That's whats missing from all of our home improvement projects! duh!

11:53:00 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Lucky you to have such a helpful 3 year old. :) You could stick the dog outside though. They really have no hope of being helpful in a painting situation. Not only is there the whole opposable thumb thing but they're colour blind too.

Did you mean to do 3, 5, 4? I was wondering if you cleaned up twice in a row or were just mathematically challenged after all those paint fumes.

1:03:00 PM  
Blogger Martini said...

When I'm renovating, I find that I use far more sledgehammers than what is considered normal.

Your tips will help.

2:03:00 PM  
Blogger katie said...

This is why my dog had a slightly green looking patch for like 3 weeks.

3:07:00 PM  
Blogger Violet said...

sounds like fun - well, the liquor bit, anyway. The dog could be useful for creating those textured surfaces.

3:42:00 PM  
Blogger Le laquet said...

So you completed the same online renovation and decorating course as we did then!?! Did your diploma arrive yet?

3:25:00 AM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

I always seem to get as much paint on myself as onthe walls. HOwever, a fresh coat of paint can make a room look ever so much better! Especially when the carpet has to be replaced due to paint spillage by Himself who doesn't believe in drop cloths.

10:23:00 AM  
Blogger ms. creek said...

i think i'll let the next guy do it.

11:24:00 AM  
Blogger deni said...

At this point I would rather paint than move. I think I liquor is the one thing I am missing from my moving to do list.

7:37:00 AM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

RP this is precious. AND TRUE.

Of course, you could always resort to what we did back in early February. Just pay someone ELSE to come in and paint the darned room. One of those shows you mentioned is called "While You Were Out." I guess we watched that one a few times too many and really liked the idea of coming home to an already painted room. We didn't even have to argue over it. Yeah, that's the way to go!

4:49:00 PM  
Blogger jon said...

I always break out the old standard when remodeling is brought up;

"Do we really have the money for that?"

It's worked so far.

12:23:00 PM  
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4:17:00 PM  

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