Diuretic Distress

A conversation with co-workers the other day resulted in a flashback to my haphazard youth. Let's take a look back shall we?

It was a dark and stormy night....... (Sorry, couldn't resist - Go Snoopy!)

I'm not a huge fan of the mallrat life that most teenagers seem to adopt and maybe the events of a certain summer afternoon are to blame. I headed to mall with my summer's saving sin my hands and hope in my heart. I had worked hard all summer and banked enough cash that I could go on a shopping spree, the likes of which I had never been on before. I don't really buy myself too much so this was a big deal.

Maybe I'd snag a new game console as my Atari was getting tired and Nintendo and Sega's war for dominance had resulted in some new low prices. Maybe I'd tempt fate and buy a new bike. Maybe I'd just blow it all on books and disappear for the rest of the summer into a heady world of prose. It was time to plan my attack.

I headed to the food court to snag a coffee and sort out my thoughts. As I was finishing my coffee I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen all summer so I grabbed another one and we got caught up. It turns out I hadn't seen them all summer because they had headed out west to work with their uncle for a month or so. They were big into music and he had a recording studio that was gaining some notoriety as the place to cut your new album in the indie scene. After hearing about all this and regaling them with my tales of working in a dirty and dusty textile plant I realized that now I really needed to cheer myself up with some new stuff.

Time to go about the acquisition of material possessions to salve my conscience for the lame summer I endured. I wandered aimlessly through the mall as is my way. I typically let fate take me where it will, a trick I learned from Douglas Adams. It generally works out well and can resulting in the destination you thought you wanted, while sometimes surprising you by taking you somewhere you needed to be but hadn't thought of. I was putting together my list of things I thought I needed when it happened.

I felt that rumbling, gurgling sensation that comes with too much coffee. For those unfamiliar with this sensation, if you chuck back too much of the magic juice you will rapidly discover the fact that the caffeine is not only a diuretic (which dehydrates your body) but in large enough quantities it also is a mild laxative (I think you know this one already). It was time to find a toilet. Since I wasn't big on malls to begin with I really didn't know where the toilets were. It turns out, as is my typical luck in life, that they were at the other end of the mall. So off I went as fast as I dared, running like a penguin on a mission.

I finally found the washroom and not a moment too soon. I won the terrifying race between dropping my drawers and doing the deed. Having relieved myself and congratulating myself on making it before having to go waste my hard earned cash and purchase some fresh duds I was feeling pretty good. I reached down to pull up my drawers and it was at this moment my celebrations were cut abruptly short. I first wondered what that lad was doing wearing a rather pretty pair of pumps, but soon realized I could see the bottoms of dresses and such underneath the stall door. Oh hell! I WAS IN THE WRONG BATHROOM!!

I decided not to panic and readied myself to exit. I took a deep breath and readied myself and my body decided my decision not to panic was foolhardy. I exited the stall at a speed that would make Barry Allen envious and as I was tearing through the mall like a shoplifter under pursuit I realized I had to somehow go wash my hands still. After walking around the outside of the mall to avoid identification by women who had wondered what the denim streak that show past them was, I found the appropriate washroom and washed up.

It was about a week later when I finally bought my Nintendo and swore off recreational shopping to this day.