Monday, May 09, 2005

Thank Mom Before The World Ends

Mothers are like the shock troops of our existence. They are called upon at a moments notice to perform the most hideous of tasks that many a father couldn't do at gunpoint. If the dog throws up on the floor. If a baby is brimming with toxic bum-drippings. If the house is buried under a deluge of runny noses and leaky orifices, Moms are there to pick up the pieces and ensure the continued survival of our race.

Without Moms the planet would soon be stripped of human life as we know it. This isn't due to the obvious biological fact that without them we wouldn't be born (although it likely plays a role lets skip that one).
Imagine a world where the laundry doesn't get done. Homework goes incomplete. Lunches aren't made and baths aren't taken. The planet as we know it would soon descend into chaos. Our ripened bodies would cause people to get agitated. The sheer smell of unwashed flesh and old shirts and socks would accumulate and fan the flames of unfed rage into a rage. The planet would rapidly descend into a feral state where man would be ill-equipped to survive.

Without our cell phones and internet, we would be defenseless against the likes of raccoons and wild dogs who would be attracted to the smell, thinking a dead bodies are around for a snack. Upon finding people, listless from a lack of bagged lunches and uncooked dinners, they would simply pick us off one by one. Sure a few smart ones would hole up for a while but eventually the animals would take over.

On the upside, the lack of people would stop the pollution a and global warming. Hey wait a minute! Now I'm not sure if that means Moms are responsible for global warming or not. Could they be the bringer of doom for our fair world. Is it those bagged lunches and clean shirts that enable the destruction of our world?

Ahhh screw it! I hope they all had a happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mothers day Mom, and thanks for the odd brain with which you equipped me. Oh, and all the earth killing lunches and clean shirts. I will be sure to use them for the destruction they were obviously intended.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha ha, we mothers have a lot to answer for!

8:39:00 AM  
Blogger JODSTER said...

Happy Mom's Day to you, RP!

10:34:00 AM  
Blogger Hick said...

Your mother must have a great sense of humor.

10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

Happy Mom's Day to your wife! I hope you helped your daughter spoil her!

5:31:00 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

Great post! I am still chuckling!

12:52:00 AM  
Blogger Saucy Monk said...

i plagiarized this and re-wrote it on my Mom's Hallmark card.

She actually cried...but i'm not sure if that was good.

3:07:00 PM  

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