Fried-day Burnout

It's been a long, hard week and I'm wrecked. On the upside, I have an opportunity to shuck creativity and run with another meme. Inanna and Foilwoman have simultaneously tagged me with this one. Ooooohhh, two girls at once, what's a guy to do?

7 things I want to do before I die:

1. Skydive

Something about being colossally stupid and leaping from a perfectly fine aircraft appeals to me

2. Learn to fly a plane

I guess this would be in case the skydiving pilot jumps before I do and I want to save the plane

3. Pay off my mortgage

Ahhhhh a debt free life. Wouldn't that be nice

4. Watch my kids breed

Well, ok. Not actually watch them breed, but to be able to meet my grandkids before I kick off would be pretty cool (and probably one of those instant aging moments, but worth it)

5. Witness television that is actually worth watching

Not something I am likely to experience, but I really want the people responsible for mainstream television to realize that the bulk of what's on is absolute dreck.

6. Be famous.

This isn't really an ego thing, but with fame comes social power. I can use this power to try to make a difference in the world. Help people, make social change, those kind of things. The trick is to not get eaten alive by the industry and become dependent on chemicals and toadies to get through the day sane (Since I'm already insane, I have a distinct advantage here).

7. Cure Cancer

Ok, I'm not a scientist or actually involved in the research, but nobody said I had to pick things I can do, just what I would want to do, right?

7 things I cannot do:

1. Use my superpowers for the betterment of the world around me

This is less an issue of morals or intent, but actually a result of my lack of superpowers

2. Suck hole to better my life or career

I'm not one of those yes-men types. This is likely why I haven't become some kind of workplace powerhouse, or CEO type. I'll take the career limits over selling out any day though.

3. Understand what the female brain is doing at any given moment

I am so glad that kid #2 is a boy. Hopefully I'll understand at least one person in the house as the others are all female (even the doggie).

4. Watch the news without buying what they are selling.

Does anyone else see the obvious political bent in their local television and print news sources? It's almost funny to see their spin on things.

5. Sit idly by while someone attacks my friends or family.

I have the overwhelming, caveman style urge to protect those that mean something to me. This usually results in someone telling me to cool it before I do something stupid. My wife has stopped me from making many a phone call over the years.

6. Not be a smartass.

Sorry folks, but it's who I am. Like me or hate me, it's your choice.

7. Tolerate really dumb people.

Be they politicians, or the bearers of stupid questions, I've never had a lot of time for stupidity. I tend to fire back using the logic imbued by my parents "Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer." Learn that phrase and you'll be using it often. The upside is that you have two choices with morons in general. You can hate them and let them ruin your day, or if you're like me you can exploit them as a source of constant entertainment.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:

1. Intelligence.

I'm absolutely certain I couldn't be attached to anyone of those bubble headed types that the media worships as the "beautiful people". I'll take a brain over a body any day of the week.

2. Smile.

Is there anything that can brighten a day or a room better than a good honest smile? I'm talking about the real kind that make the eyes crinkle and people around it grin in unconscious response, not the kind I usually get from clerks in stores who wish I would leave sooner rather than later.

3. Strength.

I'm not talking about brawn or even aroma here folks. I'm talking about a woman that doesn't fall to pieces over every single thing. We all have our weak days where we could cry if our coffee's cold, but I'm talking about the big picture. Someone who keeps going despite the difficulty is paramount.

4. Confidence.

Is there anything more exhausting than having to remind someone that they are "worth it"? Why do many women feel that they are repulsive or uninteresting all the time? Sorry folks, but I need a woman that can wake up in the morning and not need constant reassurance that they aren't freaky or unappealing.

5. Eyes

You can tell an awful lot about a person by looking into their eyes. Someone who doesn't look like they're constantly hiding something and can be read by their eyes is a strong plus. A pretty colour isn't a bad thing either.

6. Natural look.

I can't think of a better way to explain this beyond the fact that I don't like women with lots of makeup. I fear them as they are like a scratch and win lottery ticket. You never really know what underneath all that goo until the next day when it's on the pillow and the real person is revealed. Most women are beautiful underneath all that paint, learn to enjoy who you are ladies! Also, this makes going out a much less tedious endeavor. Who really enjoys waiting for an hour and a half while your lady "put on her face" (Holy crap! You mean to tell me that they are detachable!?!)

7. Sense of humor.

If you can't laugh, you're probably going to hate me. My personality doesn't make for fluffy and simple living, but it's good fun. There's nothing more fun that kicking back your heels and throwing off the shackles of "normality" every once in a while. If you take yourself too seriously you are going to scare people away.

7 things that I say most often:
1. "What?"

Whether because I am baffled (Let's face it folks, I'm male), or in a playful way, like a kid who has done something knowingly and plays dumb, this should be my slogan. I think I'll have it carved on my gravestone.

2. "Life sucks, you may as well laugh."

I changed my mind, this will be the slogan on my gravestone. If you can't have fun you're probably taking it too seriously.

3. "Aggravating Beast!"

No I'm not raggin' on my family here, it's the 60 pounds of yellow fur that thinks it's a cat. My dog likes to be directly under foot, or in the case of my wife, a furry hemorrhoid. Is it just me or is it hard to move around with a yellow lab between your legs?

4. "Sorry, but I've got to say..."

With a brain like mine you're likely to blurt out all sorts of things that could be offensive or disturbing. It's easier if you can warn people by prefacing your comments with this little gem.

5. "I need a new brain."

This one is used a lot since I have really messed up my brain over my days so far. I've learned that if you cram too much music and deranged humour into your brain, it gets a little messy. It's like a dumpster into which I throw pretty much all I encounter in. I envision most people's brains to be like filing cabinets, with neatly organized folders full of knowledge and concepts. Mine is more like that coworkers' desk where all the papers are in a jumbled heap. Ideas touch ideas that have no business being near each other.

6. "I'm somebody's Dad".

My personal favourite, typically used in response to someone commenting on my inherent strangeness. I really enjoy unleashing this on people that don't know me that well just to watch the look of utter horror and despair drift across their face like a storm cloud.

7. "D'oh!"

Life is just full of Homer Simpson moments. What else sums up situations better.

7 celebrity crushes:

1. Ashley Judd.

I don't know exactly what it is about her, and it certainly isn't here choice of movie roles, since most aren't that great. She's just old school pretty, like the 50's movie stars. Now, if she'd just eat a few more cheeseburgers she'd be much better, but she's still pretty easy on the eyes.

2. Queen Latifah

Confident, not a bone rack and mouthy. What more can a man need? It's enough to give me jungle fever!

3. Donna Skelly

The prettiest woman in the news as far as I'm concerned. She's got a good brain to go along with it. Also she's not afraid o give someone a strong tongue lashing, which is a big plus.

4. Liv Tyler.

She makes me want to be a better elf.

5. Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Ever since I saw her Secretary, a really messed up movie, I've been hooked.

6. Wendy Crewson.

Not only is she good looking with a penchant for picking a balance of real movie roles along with the money roles, but she's born in the same town as I am.

7. Tilda Swinton.

Something about this eyes on this scrawny Brit just calls out to me. I can't wait to see what she does in The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe.

7 people I want to do this:

Everybody should have to do this dammit! If you feel up to the challenge then go right ahead and pilfer it for a rainy day post idea.