Monday, October 02, 2006

Take note, soon to be married folks.  Your choice of wedding favour can be quite entertaining!!
So I’m back from the dead now. I’ve always thought death would be restful, but it turns out I was just as busy dead as I am alive so that really didn’t work out well at all. If that’s the sweet hereafter I think I’d better find my way to a violent death so I can become immortal as soon as possible.

So to go along with my crazy week, we made a trip to the USA on the weekend for a friend’s wedding. That's right, I mad it across the border and back!! This gets one to thinking about wedding type stuff like gifts, and unfortunately for the rest of the free world I like this sort of thinking. Not that it leads to a place where most people’s thinking would. With that in mind I give you two products that I think will enhance any marriage.

Bridal showers are a constant source of embarrassing gifts like frilly underwear and battery powered oddities. It seems that the more bashful the bride, the more outrageous the gifts. To that end I think everyone should get the couple the ultimate in sexual performance enhancing goodies. Enter the musical condom. A scientist in the Ukraine has come up with these gems which will play a preprogrammed tune during the act itself. It begins playing its music one it is put on and changing your position will apparently change the song. Sensors in the condom itself will note the speed and intensity of the motions and will turn up the volume as you do. For extremely passionate folks this could make for a long night with a lot of people hammering on the door telling them to turn that blasted stereo down. Of course, there is the depressing possibility that if you are too gentle, the elevator music issuing forth from your well protected parts could simply make you drowsy, which wouldn’t work out so well. I’ll leave you guys to make the obvious jokes about potential play lists, but will say that if he makes it like an Ipod so that you can upload your own tunes that this bad boy has possibilities. Revenge is a possible use too because if your wife isn’t pleased with your performance she may preload it with Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov’s Flight of the Bumblebee, or even worse Aram Khachaturian's Sabre Dance. It could certainly redefine the rhythm method of birth control!!!

As a married man I can personally attest to the combination of challenges that faces us. Being male we’re not all that good at remembering dates, and our anniversaries are no different. To that end I think most married men could do with being presented with a Remember Ring as his wedding band. This little gizmo cleverly uses heat to prevent frostbite. By introducing an uncomfortable amount of heat (120 degrees F) in one hour intervals starting 24 hours before the anniversary, this ring will remind you of your upcoming anniversary and leave you with just enough time to get an obviously slapped together in a day solution to the cold shoulder of doom you’ll face if you completely miss the boat.

These gifts and many others like it could certainly do much more for the bride and groom than another toaster or a set of forks. Unless their marriage takes a turn a la the War of the Roses, in which cases the cutlery may get some mileage after all.

14 Comments:

Blogger Fizzy said...

I am glad you are back from the dead. Unfortunately there is not such thing as a bridal shower in the UK (or baby shower) -we have hen nights which usually are raucaus pub crawls and that is about it!

there are several possibilities with a pre-programmed musical condom - the mind boggles

I like the idea of a remeber ring though ..... very good idea I know someone who could use one!!!

9:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I loooooove that new fall centerpiece for your coffeetable!

11:06:00 AM  
Blogger wondy woman said...

Thank God you're back!

12:38:00 PM  
Blogger Martini said...

I think that remember ring idea could potentially ruin a lot of marriages. As it heats up, the hubby will cry in pain and simply take it off. Not only will Wife will find no gift on anniversary day, but hubby with no ring on as well, which may cause imaginations to run wild and accusations to fly.

Condom idea, however, is really cool. Imagine if it played NIN? Hmm.

1:45:00 PM  
Blogger Aims said...

Ha ha what great ideas - good to see you back!

2:33:00 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue 2 said...

Personally I'd like a condom with a built in tv and snack bar. So you could get lucky even if you don't..

8:11:00 PM  
Blogger Le laquet said...

Musical condoms? Where's the battery kept? Actually I probably don't need to know.

1:21:00 AM  
Blogger MiLFie (Hot Brownie) said...

Ha ha ha...

A musical condom sounds rather interesting. Oh the possibilities!

As far as the ring, sounds good, but then if it burns you...You might decide to take it off, just like Martini said. And that would be worse than the cold shoulder of doom. But I could see how it could help those that have too much trouble remembering dates.

Thanks for checkin' out my blog.

7:37:00 AM  
Blogger Denny Shane said...

I am now convinced you should write a book for the lovelorn.

8:55:00 AM  
Blogger PBS said...

Those would be good gifts for, say a tenth anniversary or so!

7:02:00 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hey...lookit that picture! Someone's pixie stick broke all over your table! That's gonna be one sticky mess! :)

9:01:00 AM  
Blogger Violet said...

The ring is a great idea, but you'd have to be able to programme it to remind you of birthdays as well.

And the musical condom which changes songs with every position - sounds like very effective contraception to me!

5:34:00 PM  
Blogger Useless Man said...

Now I'm sorry I got you guys a crystal vase...

2:46:00 PM  
Blogger Perpetual Chocoholic said...

My Aunt sends us a card just before our anniversary every year. That's the only way I know that it's an up incoming event. Unfortunately I usually forget again before the 'big day'. It's ok though, cause the Mr. forgets too. It's all good, good!

9:29:00 AM  

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