So I’m back from the dead now. I’ve always thought death would be restful, but it turns out I was just as busy dead as I am alive so that really didn’t work out well at all. If that’s the sweet hereafter I think I’d better find my way to a violent death so I can become immortal as soon as possible.

So to go along with my crazy week, we made a trip to the USA on the weekend for a friend’s wedding. That's right, I mad it across the border and back!! This gets one to thinking about wedding type stuff like gifts, and unfortunately for the rest of the free world I like this sort of thinking. Not that it leads to a place where most people’s thinking would. With that in mind I give you two products that I think will enhance any marriage.

Bridal showers are a constant source of embarrassing gifts like frilly underwear and battery powered oddities. It seems that the more bashful the bride, the more outrageous the gifts. To that end I think everyone should get the couple the ultimate in sexual performance enhancing goodies. Enter the musical condom. A scientist in the Ukraine has come up with these gems which will play a preprogrammed tune during the act itself. It begins playing its music one it is put on and changing your position will apparently change the song. Sensors in the condom itself will note the speed and intensity of the motions and will turn up the volume as you do. For extremely passionate folks this could make for a long night with a lot of people hammering on the door telling them to turn that blasted stereo down. Of course, there is the depressing possibility that if you are too gentle, the elevator music issuing forth from your well protected parts could simply make you drowsy, which wouldn’t work out so well. I’ll leave you guys to make the obvious jokes about potential play lists, but will say that if he makes it like an Ipod so that you can upload your own tunes that this bad boy has possibilities. Revenge is a possible use too because if your wife isn’t pleased with your performance she may preload it with Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov’s Flight of the Bumblebee, or even worse Aram Khachaturian's Sabre Dance. It could certainly redefine the rhythm method of birth control!!!

As a married man I can personally attest to the combination of challenges that faces us. Being male we’re not all that good at remembering dates, and our anniversaries are no different. To that end I think most married men could do with being presented with a Remember Ring as his wedding band. This little gizmo cleverly uses heat to prevent frostbite. By introducing an uncomfortable amount of heat (120 degrees F) in one hour intervals starting 24 hours before the anniversary, this ring will remind you of your upcoming anniversary and leave you with just enough time to get an obviously slapped together in a day solution to the cold shoulder of doom you’ll face if you completely miss the boat.

These gifts and many others like it could certainly do much more for the bride and groom than another toaster or a set of forks. Unless their marriage takes a turn a la the War of the Roses, in which cases the cutlery may get some mileage after all.