How Close Is Too Close

Invariably, as technology advances so do consumer products. We are used to these leaps and bounds in our computer systems, digital cameras and home entertainment technologies. Lately the drive for change has engulfed the shaving market too. From vibrating razors to moisturizing razors there seems to be no end to the "innovations" in this market. A closer look will show you that these changes and gadgets are primarily aimed at the male shaving market. Women are content to use the cheapest razors on their legs as they are more than happy with the effects that they provide. This may have to do with the fact that their leg hair is a lot like thin wire, dulling the blades on initial contact. What married man hasn't gone to shave his face only to find that his razor has all the shearing force of a child's plastic ruler?

Gillette has taken this drive to innovate and combined it with the male urge for bigger is better. In this vein they have now launched the Fusion. This bad boy has not 3, not 4 but 5 blades in it. Is it just me or does this freak anyone else out. It isn't bad enough that they have all this going on but now they have stuck a blade on top of the head too! Soon the blades will reach all they way down the handle and you'll only be able to shave with the new Gillette glove, which protects all the skin on your hand from the closest shave since the recent space shuttle mission. Not content with making a razor that can remove the hair from your entire body by simply being in the room with you, they have made it available in a model that vibrates as well, making it possible to depilate your neighbors without their knowledge. The release of this, of course has nothing at all to do with their competitor's release of the battery powered version of their 4 bladed face shredder.

The logic from Gillette is that this is like comparing a Ferrari to a Volkswagon. So now it isn't all about taking your head right down to the bone in one swipe, but if you own more blades you get more chicks too. That should make the bar scene more interesting in the near future.

"Hey baby, did you know that my razor has 5 blades?"
"So that's why you don't have any facial features left below your eyes then is it?"

If the guy is really creepy, this conversation can be ended in the blink of an eye by simply throwing an alcoholic beverage on his face and plugging your ears.

If these companies want to get my attention, they should market a small elf with a straight razor that can be kept at my house and deployed as needed, since the best shave I ever get is at the barber's. This may be due to the thrill of having a guy press a blade sharp enough to split an atom up against my throat, but who knows for sure right? The peripheral benefits of this would be terrific as you would have a pint sized security system at your disposal that can take an ankle off in a moment's notice. This would be really handy since my dog is about as threatening as teddy bear in a straight jacket. This would be far more entertaining, and likely more effective, than yelling "STOP! I have a 5 bladed razor and I know how to use it!"


I'd feel safer with this guy in the house.........does anyone know what elves eat?