Monday, October 17, 2005

How Close Is Too Close


Invariably, as technology advances so do consumer products. We are used to these leaps and bounds in our computer systems, digital cameras and home entertainment technologies. Lately the drive for change has engulfed the shaving market too. From vibrating razors to moisturizing razors there seems to be no end to the "innovations" in this market. A closer look will show you that these changes and gadgets are primarily aimed at the male shaving market. Women are content to use the cheapest razors on their legs as they are more than happy with the effects that they provide. This may have to do with the fact that their leg hair is a lot like thin wire, dulling the blades on initial contact. What married man hasn't gone to shave his face only to find that his razor has all the shearing force of a child's plastic ruler?

Gillette has taken this drive to innovate and combined it with the male urge for bigger is better. In this vein they have now launched the Fusion. This bad boy has not 3, not 4 but 5 blades in it. Is it just me or does this freak anyone else out. It isn't bad enough that they have all this going on but now they have stuck a blade on top of the head too! Soon the blades will reach all they way down the handle and you'll only be able to shave with the new Gillette glove, which protects all the skin on your hand from the closest shave since the recent space shuttle mission. Not content with making a razor that can remove the hair from your entire body by simply being in the room with you, they have made it available in a model that vibrates as well, making it possible to depilate your neighbors without their knowledge. The release of this, of course has nothing at all to do with their competitor's release of the battery powered version of their 4 bladed face shredder.

The logic from Gillette is that this is like comparing a Ferrari to a Volkswagon. So now it isn't all about taking your head right down to the bone in one swipe, but if you own more blades you get more chicks too. That should make the bar scene more interesting in the near future.

    "Hey baby, did you know that my razor has 5 blades?"
    "So that's why you don't have any facial features left below your eyes then is it?"
If the guy is really creepy, this conversation can be ended in the blink of an eye by simply throwing an alcoholic beverage on his face and plugging your ears.

If these companies want to get my attention, they should market a small elf with a straight razor that can be kept at my house and deployed as needed, since the best shave I ever get is at the barber's. This may be due to the thrill of having a guy press a blade sharp enough to split an atom up against my throat, but who knows for sure right? The peripheral benefits of this would be terrific as you would have a pint sized security system at your disposal that can take an ankle off in a moment's notice. This would be really handy since my dog is about as threatening as teddy bear in a straight jacket. This would be far more entertaining, and likely more effective, than yelling "STOP! I have a 5 bladed razor and I know how to use it!"


I'd feel safer with this guy in the house.........does anyone know what elves eat?

30 Comments:

Blogger Rex Mottram said...

You brightened my day. I had random flick throu some Blogs haven't had such a good laugh in awhile.
Thanks,
Rex

7:40:00 AM  
Blogger sands of time said...

That was funny Rainy pete.Now can anyone tell me why they have vibrating razors?

11:20:00 AM  
Blogger Rowan said...

pinklady I don't know either, if yo u find out, can u lemme know?
Rainypete: Just wanted to point out, I HATE women's disposables, I only use mach III or higher, I stopped using my hubby's cuz after only one leg, it was dull and cut me and he'd get angry, so I bought my own. I do admit we dull out your razor blades, but all the more reason, I feel, we need more blades, not less.

11:42:00 AM  
Blogger AlmightyHeidi said...

Was that a naked man picture up there. He looks very well...shaven.

Yes, did you know here in the states they have "vibrance" or something like that a vibrating razor made only for women. How would one market that tactfully anyways? I'm hoping not like the herbal essences commercials. I'd be afraid it would cut in all the wrong places.

Oohhh ouch.

3:02:00 PM  
Anonymous duane said...

I hate shaving, and I don't care how many blades, sensitive strips, moisturizers, etc. the thing has, I will still have sensitive skin, and it will still hurt!! Mabye they should work with your skin, and not the razor... hmmmm.

3:23:00 PM  
Blogger Gimpy Mumpy said...

Nice pic, Pete do you play WoW?
I used to use the 3-bladed razors but find that not being able to bend reduces the ability to touch ones legs and not being able to touch ones legs make shaving said legs difficult. Any volunteers?

5:41:00 PM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

There are vibrating razors out there? LMAO!

Hilarious post as usual Mr. Pete! :)

10:43:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:09:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

damn - 5 blades? might be good for the mining industry, I guess...but they'll have to start including instruction videos with the razors.

Let me know when you get the elves organised. I think my dear SigOther's of the same opinion as duane and a terrifying little guy with a straight razor may be my only hope of seeing him shaved regularly.

(sorry, that we me who deleted above - bad spelling...likely, there still is...)

11:10:00 PM  
Blogger L said...

how many blades does a razor really need anyway?!!

11:55:00 PM  
Blogger Walker said...

They will think of anything to get our money. The best shave is from a barber but thats 7 bucks so I guess it will have to be my MachIII for me. I have no desire to get another one until they come out with the Mach XVII with the built in remote for the mirror.

3:14:00 AM  
Blogger Minerva said...

This made me laugh so much Pete - thank you..
Thankyou too for the wonderful comments you make on my blog... Tell you what when I am a grandmother, watch out elf - I am coming to get you...

Minerva

7:24:00 AM  
Blogger Rae Ann said...

Maybe you can train the elf to eat the stubble off the blades? I can't believe all the resources that are spent developing, marketing, etc. razors. Who wants a vibrating razor anyway? They did that in cahoots with the battery companies to increase battery demand.

10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Femi-mommy said...

well i'm half elf (the pointed ear and all) and i'm always in the mood for chocolate - but i'm also 9/10ths female so that could be why.

I actually love the vibrating razor - it is a really close freakin shave - not to mention its other shower uses.

1:01:00 PM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

Five blades is nuts. Why not just use a blender..

1:07:00 PM  
Blogger dan said...

I reckon even with five blades it still won't shave any closer.

I use a Mach 3, once a week. Shaving is a waste of time. Once a week is enough.

Don't you find those dosposable blades work just as well, even if you do need a blood transfusiona afterwards?

1:58:00 PM  
Blogger Martini said...

There isn't a big job market for elves or midgets ever since the last of the Lord of the Rings trilogy was completed. Along with Pete, I also emplore companies like Gilette to offer trained shaving elves with the purchase of any razor.

2:50:00 PM  
Blogger Lady Wyntir said...

Femi-mommy: it's other uses!?! hahahha i'd rather use it for that than for shaving. hee hee


Mr. Pete: And isn't the vibrating shaver just an Electric Razor?

who knows anymore. i finish shaving one leg and the damn thing is too blunt. but 5 blades..... that's just crazy. @_@

3:16:00 PM  
Blogger katie said...

Don't you know, this isn't for you. It's for women! I would be willing to bet that women are more intrigued by this razor then men. They already know they have us locked into the mac III, as it works better than any womens razor ever, and now they know that we will see 5 blades, and have to have it. Anything to keep from shaving your legs every two days.

3:41:00 PM  
Blogger AlmightyHeidi said...

I just came back to look at the naked man picture up to p because I'm sick like that. :)

I bet he's gay.

Heidi

6:59:00 PM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

Elves eat cookies, silly. Why do you think the Keeblers make them in their little tree?

9:04:00 PM  
Blogger jon said...

You can only shave so close, anything more, and you end up cheekless.

9:10:00 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

I always thought that they ate nuts and fruits.

As far as 5 blades go... it seems to me that would be 5X more nicks. Vibrating? That should help immensely with increasing the slices!

6:32:00 AM  
Blogger Charlie Gordon said...

I use the Mach III, because I shave my entire head every other day. It gives the best shave of any razor I've tried. However, I draw the line at 4 or 5 blades. I'm already spending a small fortune on blades every year, and I'm sure the 5 blad model won't be any cheaper than what I'm spending now.

The best shave ever is still the good ol' straight razor. I have one in the medicine cabinet, but I don't know about attempting the full headed shave with it. If you ever get them to market the trained shaving elf, I'll be the bald headed guy right behind you in line.

9:28:00 AM  
Blogger Rowan said...

Would you kindly do this for me? Buddies

11:24:00 AM  
Blogger Hick said...

I think they should make a mask that is full of vibrating razors. You just put it on for a few seconds and voila! Clean shaven for the next week.

Elves eat lots because they move around really fast. Their legs work like hummingbird wings. I'm not kidding. Don't let them anywhere near you.

3:21:00 PM  
Blogger Champurrado said...

Mr. Rainy:

Truth be told, the more blades they affix to the razor the less chance I have of reaching the spot right under my nostrils, you know, where lip and nose meet. Ex-wife, Mistress of the Dark, bought me a very nice silver razor for my birthday. Must have used it for 8 or 9 years - it was a great looking and great working piece of blade holder. When I married new and improved spouse 2, I worried she would eventually ask where I got the nice razor.

So I tossed it, got myself a Mach (fill in the version) and to this day, each morning when I shave, I think of that old one like it was a friend lost to the night. As Shakespeare said:

SONNET 30
When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.

3:40:00 PM  
Blogger angela marie said...

Hey, where's my weekly dose of Nekkid Thursday?!?

withdrawal...withdrawal...

11:37:00 AM  
Blogger glomgold said...

I started getting skeptical after the twin blades. I tried one of those 3 bladed ones and it blew. Having a murderous dark-elf running around the house with a straight razor sounds like trouble.

10:45:00 PM  
Blogger Violet said...

To appeal to men, shouldn't super-duper razors be red and shiny and require a large exhaust?

4:28:00 AM  

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