Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Stop the Madness!

So a while back I was watching my television and saw an ad that caught my attention. An older couple sets about making a bedroom so tacky that even the visually impaired would have a hard time staying in it (although the moose head was a nice touch). In the next scene they are seated at the dinner with a middle aged man who says "I love what you've done with my room". The gist of the ad was that if you want your kids out then you should stop cooking with cheese. This got me to thinking about that with a quiet chuckle.

Fast forward to a few days later when I was commuting to work. I drive past a bus stop where there is an ad suggesting that if you cook with cheese your neighbors will keep coming over. Now we don't get many visitors at our house so I got to thinking that I should cook with cheese and they would come in droves. Who doesn't enjoy entertaining guests right? TO this end I began a culinary overhaul using liberal amounts of cheeses in most meals.

I started making my own mac and cheese to increase the amounts of cheese being consumed. Those plastic they devise for the bright orange "cheese sauces" make me nervous. Confident in my ability I began to experiment. I remembered having chicken Parmesan as a kid and it was good, so I tried to amp up the cheese content of this too. I stuffed a chicken full of mozzarella and tomatoes. It wasn't bad but it took a while to put out the fire in the oven. Mmmm smoky! Still I had no new visits from anyone so it was time to step it up.

With dinner all set up I began to think of how to get more cheese into the rest of my day. Lunches were pretty easy as you can just toss a boatload of cheese cubes in a salad, or make cheese sandwiches. Cheese and crackers were thrown into my lunches, but I quickly realized that this isn't going to bring people to my house. I did notice the guys at work were sniffing around the cheese in my lunch like cartoon mice, so I figured it would work out in the long run. I quickly shifted my focus to breakfast.

I figured that I could cook with cheese in the morning and by the time the smell had piqued the curiosity of my visitors and they made their way to m house I would be ready with supper. There were some fantastic omelets, but after a while you get sick of them so I emasculated myself and made a quiche. Turns out it's like egg pie and if you load it full of cheese it isn't so bad after all. Again I found myself tiring of these so I had to change things up again. I have to say that while successfully increasing my overall cheese consumption, the strawberry and cheddar smoothies were a thunderous failure.

Some time has passed now and I am noticing absolutely no increase in visits in my house. What I have noticed is a rapid depletion of my bank account, as cheese is not really all that cheap! Trips to the washroom have declined as well as cheese can cause some pretty severe constipation due to the extreme protein content. What's worse is that the Doctor says if I don't ease up on the cheese I may not be around for Christmas (Or very round for Christmas - haha!). As the weight came and the medical problems increased, my visitors actually decreased. Whether it was all the gas or maybe the fact that they can't sit on the couch with me any more due to lack of room, I can't say but there is one thing for certain. I am looking to find a lawyer. These dairy maniacs have to be stopped before they damage more lives. Not to mention that someone has to pay for all the fiber I have to buy now. Maybe I should try some of Glomgold's "colon blow". Does anyone know a good class action lawyer? Preferably one with large chairs and situated on the ground floor of their building? As I haven't got a lot of money left I would love to find one who will work pro bono. I could settle for one that will work pro queso as I could make them a nice fondue and some cheese puffs. I have to go lay down now, all this typing is making heart race.


Blogger ~KC~ said...

I commend you on your cheese consumption! It seems that you, and you alone may be responsible for having kept my state, The Dairy State, in business the last few months.

Suggestion...string cheese. Carry it with you, offer it around, imply that MORE can be found at your house. This I think would solve the no visitor problem, but im afraid nothing will help the constipation!

Thanks for stopping by my blog :)

8:13:00 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Mmmm....cheese. Yum!

We don't have too many visitors at our place either but we still manage to go thru a block of Velveeta cheese a week.

But that's not really cheese is it??? In fact, I'm not even sure what Velveeta really is made of....that's kinda scary....;)

8:46:00 AM  
Blogger Rowan said...

So, did the doctor make you limit your consumption of cheese then?

I'm not a big cheese eater, but my family sure is. and yum velveeta, it's the best!

11:51:00 AM  
Blogger Denny Shane said...

If you are one of those people that go to the rest room every 10 minutes... you'll be happy to know that cheese binds you... the more you eat, the more bound you are... until you take copius amounts of exlax... the KA-BOOM... problem solved.

12:35:00 PM  
Blogger Lake Allison said...

I'm lactose intolerant.
So cheese is always a tummyfull of pain.

2:08:00 PM  
Blogger Aims said...

"strawberry & cheddar smoothies" he he he! sounds great!! Please send them my way!!!!!!!!

2:09:00 PM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...


I bet you COULD find a lawyer that would take your case!

5:55:00 PM  
Blogger Celti said...

damn! That could cause quite a blockage if you don't watch it. I don't know any good lawyers, really. None. lol

That being said, I do have to say that CHEESE FREAKIN' ROCKS. Had I know, I would have been right over. :D

7:53:00 PM  
Blogger jon said...

I had a very simular chain of events happen with vienna sausages, but again, no neighbor traffic.

Oh, and no need for colon blow, but perhaps some cheese.

8:59:00 PM  
Blogger Memphis Steve said...

Pete, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I've been forced to blogroll you. No, not the Useless page. That one is already in the blogroll. But this page wasn't. I had to do it. I'm not Catholic, but I felt guilty. And of course you're grouped with the Canadian blogs, as everyone knows the proper order of a blogroll is geographic.

11:12:00 PM  
Blogger Walker said...

Ha Ha Ha that was great.
I am a bigcheese eater to or was it the question. I had to ease up when the pry bar got its own holder next to the toilet paper.

12:59:00 AM  
Blogger Rae Ann said...

If people can sue Mcdonalds then I'm sure you could sue the cheese people. I've never eaten enough cheese to get stopped up though.

9:02:00 AM  
Blogger glomgold said...

Cheese is damn good. But I will draw the line at Cheddar and Strawberries. Well, maybe just a taste...

11:41:00 PM  
Anonymous duane said...

I love that you gave this much thought to cheese. i would love to consume more cheese, but alas, I am lactose intolerant.

6:48:00 PM  
Blogger Hick said...

I used to love cheese, but after reading your post...

1:16:00 PM  
Blogger L said...

great. now I'm hungry. again.

1:03:00 AM  

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