Stop the Madness!

So a while back I was watching my television and saw an ad that caught my attention. An older couple sets about making a bedroom so tacky that even the visually impaired would have a hard time staying in it (although the moose head was a nice touch). In the next scene they are seated at the dinner with a middle aged man who says "I love what you've done with my room". The gist of the ad was that if you want your kids out then you should stop cooking with cheese. This got me to thinking about that with a quiet chuckle.

Fast forward to a few days later when I was commuting to work. I drive past a bus stop where there is an ad suggesting that if you cook with cheese your neighbors will keep coming over. Now we don't get many visitors at our house so I got to thinking that I should cook with cheese and they would come in droves. Who doesn't enjoy entertaining guests right? TO this end I began a culinary overhaul using liberal amounts of cheeses in most meals.

I started making my own mac and cheese to increase the amounts of cheese being consumed. Those plastic they devise for the bright orange "cheese sauces" make me nervous. Confident in my ability I began to experiment. I remembered having chicken Parmesan as a kid and it was good, so I tried to amp up the cheese content of this too. I stuffed a chicken full of mozzarella and tomatoes. It wasn't bad but it took a while to put out the fire in the oven. Mmmm smoky! Still I had no new visits from anyone so it was time to step it up.

With dinner all set up I began to think of how to get more cheese into the rest of my day. Lunches were pretty easy as you can just toss a boatload of cheese cubes in a salad, or make cheese sandwiches. Cheese and crackers were thrown into my lunches, but I quickly realized that this isn't going to bring people to my house. I did notice the guys at work were sniffing around the cheese in my lunch like cartoon mice, so I figured it would work out in the long run. I quickly shifted my focus to breakfast.

I figured that I could cook with cheese in the morning and by the time the smell had piqued the curiosity of my visitors and they made their way to m house I would be ready with supper. There were some fantastic omelets, but after a while you get sick of them so I emasculated myself and made a quiche. Turns out it's like egg pie and if you load it full of cheese it isn't so bad after all. Again I found myself tiring of these so I had to change things up again. I have to say that while successfully increasing my overall cheese consumption, the strawberry and cheddar smoothies were a thunderous failure.

Some time has passed now and I am noticing absolutely no increase in visits in my house. What I have noticed is a rapid depletion of my bank account, as cheese is not really all that cheap! Trips to the washroom have declined as well as cheese can cause some pretty severe constipation due to the extreme protein content. What's worse is that the Doctor says if I don't ease up on the cheese I may not be around for Christmas (Or very round for Christmas - haha!). As the weight came and the medical problems increased, my visitors actually decreased. Whether it was all the gas or maybe the fact that they can't sit on the couch with me any more due to lack of room, I can't say but there is one thing for certain. I am looking to find a lawyer. These dairy maniacs have to be stopped before they damage more lives. Not to mention that someone has to pay for all the fiber I have to buy now. Maybe I should try some of Glomgold's "colon blow". Does anyone know a good class action lawyer? Preferably one with large chairs and situated on the ground floor of their building? As I haven't got a lot of money left I would love to find one who will work pro bono. I could settle for one that will work pro queso as I could make them a nice fondue and some cheese puffs. I have to go lay down now, all this typing is making heart race.