Top O' The Mornin' To Ya!

It's that magical time of year when people get the uncontrollable urge to drink green beer and wear green. Pretty much business as usual except for all the green. The spirit of the season combined with my unusual sense of humor has resulted in the following suggestions that you can use to torment those around you that don't see the sense in St. Paddy's Day.

12) Showing off your fashionably snug "Kiss Me I'm Irish" boxers.
11) Breaking into the reptile exhibit at the zoo and driving out all the snakes.
10) Talk loudly about your recent visit to the Leprechaun Colony on Molokai.
9) Pour a box of Lucky Charms down your pants and ask women if they can find the special new shape.
8) Every time you buy a pint, smack an Englishman.
7) Get a tattoo on your belly that says "Blarney Stone."
6) Regale everyone in the pub with wild and bawdy stories about your two good friends Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
5) In your worst Irish accent, tell anyone who'll listen, "You know, I'm really more of an Oktoberfest man meself."
4) Dress up as old-time Irish outlaw Jesse James Joyce.
3) Ask couples, "Are you two Irish? Get it? Are U2 Irish?" Laugh uproariously when no one else does.
2) Find a highway cloverleaf and drive really slow in the fast lane all night long. It's good luck!
1) Two words: Green Puke

So hoist a green pint and toast to your friends and enjoy your St. Paddy's day unless you're near someone like me who has a copy of this list, then you're in for a really interesting night!